


My Favourite Weakness

by queenofthedorkside



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Other, Slash, Swearing, first gen, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-04-09 21:17:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 8,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4364498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofthedorkside/pseuds/queenofthedorkside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus and Sirius' story, starting their sixth year. Remus POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thoughts in the Dark (Part I)

**Author's Note:**

> Things may get a bit, er, steamier, later on, but for now, all is well, fluffy, and vanilla.  
> Please like, comment, and/or subscribe if you would like to see more. Thank you!

It had started November 18, 1975.

 

Normally, Remus wasn’t one to obsess over anything – especially not people. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt attraction, let alone … this. What was this, exactly? A pang in his chest whenever he was around. And a different kind, an ache, when he wasn’t. He was feeling … something, for his best mate.

It had been five years of friendship before Remus ever looked at Sirius Black with anything but brotherly love. 

First year, he had hoped that he wouldn’t fail out of his classes, or be expelled once the headmaster found out about his lycanthropy. Instead, Dippet had a tree planted for him so he could transform in relative peace. The headmaster even urged him to confide in the other Maurauders – which he had done, eventually, awkwardly, nervously, to each of them one by one. Sirius’ reaction had been the best:

“You had Dippet build you a bloody _tree house_ and you didn’t _tell_ us?”

Elation. The most pure kind of relief had surged through him when the others hadn't run away, when they’d still liked him and wanted him around. When they weren't digusted like people had been, weren't ashamed like his parents had been, when they weren't afraid of him like he himself was. The only thing better than that moment, when Remus had realized he hadn't lost them, was when they transformed in front of him, _for him_ , just so they could help him through.

Well, until now. Here he was, in his bed, staring at the purple darkness and listening to his best mates breathing easy in their sleep, as he was crushed under the weight of the best pain he'd ever felt.

Now. The most recent full moon had been strange. He woke up in the tree to find Sirius curled up against him, and hadn’t stopped thinking about it since. He had been sleeping in the same room as this boy going on five years, why was it hurting him so wonderfully now?

Someone’s breath hitched for a second, and then relaxed again.

Remus was contemplating all of this at eleven in the evening. This was his first night back in his room after the full moon: he’d messed up his arm a bit, there’d been some trouble with Snape … long story short, he’d gone from needing a plaster to, well, several. Many plasters. And a night in the hospital wing. Snape’s curse had really knocked him about – but not as bad as Sirius had done to Snape himself. Usually, it was James miserably failing to impress Lily when Snape got jinxed or hexed; but when he’d come at Remus with his mystery curse, Sirius was the one who’d come to his defense first. Remus had been informed upon his return to the common room that he’d apparently “gone at Snivellus with his bare hands!” He’d landed enough hits to merit another detention.

Apparently James’ Bat-Bogey Hex had been a work of art as well, but Remus was still focused on the fact that Sirius had done a James on him.

 _Ok,_ he thought, _calm down a bit there, mate. Just because Sirius cares about one of his closest friends doesn't mean he wants him. The only thing he_ wants  _is a good excuse to hit Snape._

Remus had been reasonable about the whole thing. Well, as reasonable as he could be as he fell for his best mate. What was he _doing_?

_He's the most fancied boy in sixth year. He didn't take one date to the Yule Ball, he took three._

But then again, the weekend after the ball he’d gone with Remus to Honeydukes, saying that he’d “already made plans” for the rest of the month, but Remus knew it was only because he couldn’t stand them without Butterbeer.

Was he being a bit judgemental? Maybe. Maybe he was just plain mental. But the fact was that time and time again, Sirius chose him. He chose him over those other girls. Maybe one day he’d actually date one, but for now at least, his friends were the only ones he cared about. 

_I can live with now. I can live with now forever._ _  
_

 

Remus smiled a bit, and closed his eyes.


	2. Absent

Sirius was not the most subtle person. Whether it was the clamorous Gryffindor-Slytherin Quidditch final from their fifth year, or in the middle of Diagon Alley’s bustling last-minute school shop stampede, or, dead center of the dining hall on a crisp fall Wednesday morning at breakfast time.

“Oi! Over here!” Even with his mouth full of waffles, eggs, and maple syrup, his voice carried clear through the din.  He accompanied his greeting with a jaunty wave of his fork, nearly splattering Peter in the process.

Sliding into the seat that had been saved for him (unfortunately, right next to the one person he could handle the least right now), Remus grinned, and began loading up his plate. He would have been too sick to eat if he wasn’t already starving, and he did his best to ignore the all-too present boy brushing his arm as he grabbed for the pumpkin juice.

After gulping down his glass in a somewhat canine fashion, Sirius turned to him.

“What’s up with you and James?”

“Lily stuff,” he answered, rolling his eyes.

Sirius searched his face for another moment, and then looked back to his food. Remus sighed internally. When had all this drama begun? He longed for the previous year, when the biggest problems he’d faced were Snape and his gang - which barely bothered him anyways with the Marauders on the loose, and itching for an excuse to fight them. Now, the war loomed overhead, almost as close as NEWTs, and on top of it all, this. Crushes, and yearnings, and feelings he didn’t care to be a part of, let alone have any of his own.

Seven arm bumps later, and they were leaving the dining hall, Peter to remedial Potions, Sirius and Remus to Transfiguration. They scanned the crowd for James’ messy hair and glasses, but he wasn’t there.

“Maybe he’s already gone to the classroom?”

“Without breakfast? Without a chance to see Evans before she goes off to advanced Charms or whatever the bloody hell it is she takes?”

“No, that’s on Wednesdays and Fridays... “

“Right, I forgot you take that too, Moony. Where is he?”

“Maybe he _is_ already in class. Evans takes Transfiguration.”

“Alright. But if he’s not there, I’m ditching and going to find him.”

Remus scoffed. “Ditching McGonagall’s class? Good luck, mate.”

Sirius scowled, and pushed open the classroom door. His face cleared when he saw James pulling out his books.

When Sirius plopped down on James’ left, Remus made his way around so he could sit on his other side. Sirius seemed confused for a moment, but then turned his attention to James so he could better demand where he’d been. Ignoring their conversation, Remus thanked his lucky stars that he could pay attention for a class period without having to count the amount of times Sirius tried to make him laugh.

 _Maybe it’s just a crush_ , he offered hopefully,  _maybe it’ll just go away soon._

_Mmhmm. Sure. And that’s why you haven’t even looked at another person since you met Sirius, why you’ve never noticed anyone like you did him._

 

The bell rung. Startled out of his reverie, he began packing up his things. Apparently, even without sitting next to him, he couldn’t pay attention. He hadn’t even noticed the time passing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to those who've come back for more! I hope maybe someone noticed the parallels between "To Be Believed" and "My Favourite Weakness." If not, now you know! Go read! I hope you like it.  
> PS: If you like what I do, and want to see more, please like/comment/subscribe to let me know how you feel! Thank you so much to the people who have already done so :D it means a lot.


	3. Maybe

Remus was having a bad day.

He knew it was going to be hard when he woke up to Sirius two milimetres from his face, straddling him, hands on his shoulders, chanting a sing-songy “Moony? Did you have a nice nap? Is little baby Moonykins awakey?” Normally, Remus was the first up, so he could go to the bathrooms, brush his teeth, and fix his hair, which could never pull off the ‘just-woken-up’ look Sirius could. _You forget to turn on your alarm one time, and look what happens,_ he thought ruefully as he blushed his way through Sirius’ somewhat cruder rendition of _A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love._

It didn’t get any better when he got out of the shower to see Sirius sat on the sinks wearing nothing but a towel tied loosely around his waist. It took him a couple seconds to realize what he was doing (a hilarious impression of Binns’ dry lesson on troll politics that Remus unfortunately couldn’t stop laughing about), distracted as he was by a certain view that he was certain James noticed him being taken aback by. _Damn. Again._

And, to top it all off, James had, yet again, slid over at breakfast to give him some room to sit down - right next to Sirius. He was starting to think he was doing it on purpose, still onto him after that conversation they’d -

_No. Let’s doing us a favor and never think about it again._

Which brought him to now. Remus was having a bad day, and it was only eight thirty in the morning. James’ knowing look as Remus served himself only made him blush harder, and he found avoiding their previous conversation increasingly difficult. He did his best to ignore his gaze as his spooned food on his plate, not noticing what he was putting on. He prayed internally that he’d drop it, but, like his own attempts to ignore his feelings, this did not happen.

Under the cover of morning post, as Sirius and Peter were wrapped up in some bit that involved charming Severus’ bedraggled owl into flying directly into his goblet, James finally spoke to him.

“Look, Moony -”

“James. Mate. Seriously. Drop it.” Remus began determinedly pouring pumpkin juice in his goblet, looking anywhere but at James.

“I’d like nothing better than that, but - er, mate, you might wanna -”

Remus turned back to his glass, which has overflowed and was now soaking his now-empty plate. He Vanished the juice, gritting his jaw, and took his time putting his wand away again. James started anew.

“I really think - I just - maybe - bloody hell.”

Remus force himself to look at him, and was microscopically relieved to see him nearly as red. “I dunno what you think, mate, but I swear that nothing is happening with … feelings. For anyone. Let alone - well. Um. Yeah.”

He rubbed the back of his neck, which he was distinctly aware was burning, even as the ceiling was snowing above them and a owl down the table shook frozen droplets at everyone in a ten-meter radius. He didn’t even hear the laughing shrieks over James’ faltering response.

“Ok. I’m not saying that I don’t, er, believe you. Or anything. But I mean … if you maybe one day, I guess, do feel those - um -  types of feelings, I just want you to know that I’m here. As your friend. And I won’t laugh, I swear.”

“You swear?”

James grinned. “Solemnly.” 


	4. Butterbeer and Bitterness

"GRYFFINDOR WON!"

The common room was packed to the brim. James had been chanting this for two hours now, and showed no sign of stopping. The entire team had been lifted up on their friends’ shoulders several times tonight, only one of which had been on the Quidditch green itself. It was now eleven, McGonagall had given them a free pass - as long as the noise was ‘kept at a reasonable volume for a group of mature young adults’ - as she was busy celebrating with Dumbledore as well, and the house elves had been only too happy to oblige when Sirius and James had gone pounding down to the kitchens victoriously for ‘a feast fit for champions.’

Remus didn't love these parties as much. The crowds made him feel claustrophobic and uncomfortable, of course, but watching Sirius flirt with two Hufflepuff girls was the worst part. It was nothing new: last year, Remus recalled, he'd done flying shots off a sixth-year. Was this really any worse?

He was watching the spectacle from the packed couch, clenching his empty fists until someone (one of the Hufflepuff seventh-years, he believed, who seemed to have mysteriously lost her shirt) put a dripping goblet in his hands. He drank immediately, staring daggers at the opposite wall.

"Howzit goin', Moon'?" James slurred, plopping down, next to him and on top of a couple who did not seem to notice the disturbance at all. Remus smiled weakly, gulping down what unfortunately appeared to be the last of his Firewhiskey. He stared at his goblet, confused as to how it had become empty. He did not remember this happening ever before. He turned his face back to the wall.

James followed his gaze sleepily, and his eyes widened when he saw the scene unfolding before them. He spoke.

"Y'know, Moon’...” Remus didn't even try to interrupt him; they were both pissed and probably wouldn’t remember a thing the next day. He didn't think it possible to be embarrassed right now, and irritated and drunk as he was. "I'm a lightweight. Always have been. Can't help it. But Evans. That girl can drink, mate." He giggled slightly, and curled his head on Remus' shoulder

"Don't give up yet, mate. I've been in love for years. It doesn't go away. Might as well enjoy it. I mean, don't be an ass about it like me. But giving up hurts more than anything they can do to you."

Remus turned his head, surprised. James was already snoring, his mouth open, belying the wise words he'd said moments ago. His eyes turned back to the wall he’d spent the better part of an hour memorizing, and his eyes slowly fluttered shut. The empty goblet fell softly to the floor.


	5. Dreams and Visions

The snow was drifting lazily to the ground, spinning in mesmerizing spirals through the air, as a thin pane of ice crept across the windowpane. A gust of wind shot through the Whomping Willow, blowing the snow off its bare branches, and the tree seemed to shiver slightly in the chilly air it had been suddenly exposed to. The crystals of ice on the virgin snow floor sparkled blindingly with the reflection of the midday sun.

Remus was observing this through the window of the history classroom, his eyes only half-open and his mind totally blank.

Another full moon had just come and gone, and while no injuries more serious than normal had been sustained, he still had the characteristic puffy, bloodshot eyes of a boy who’d had no sleep the night before. He knew he should probably take notes on the rights of eastern Dragons during the Medieval period, but he couldn’t find a single speck of energy to summon from his weary arms. Finally, he gave up, planting his face in his arms and letting his eyes close, banking on his secure spot as favourite in every one of his classes to let him scrape by the period without reprimand.

 

_He was outside, somewhere in a clearing the Forbidden Forest. The snow was swirling around him, but he wasn’t cold. He was warm and cozy, wrapped in his fur, and even though night had fallen, next to the boy he loved, the world could end, and he wouldn’t have moved an inch._

_He was in werewolf form, but he felt none of his normal aggression. He didn’t feel hunger or hate. He felt comfort. He burrowed his nose further into Sirius’ fur, wrapping his body around the smaller dog, and smiling to himself when he felt the other’s tail thump silently. He snuffled closer …_

 

“Remus …? Remus? Remus!”

He jerked awake, wiping his face dazedly. The rest of the class were packing up, and there stood Sirius, grinning at him.

“Had a nice nap there, Golden Boy? Shame on you, prefect, setting such a bad example!”

“Shove off, Padfoot,” he groaned, standing up with a wobble and throwing his unopened textbook back in his bag. “I can’t handle these all-nighters like you can.”

“Oh, I’m not, believe me,” he winked wickedly. “I’m running on cornflakes and blind optimism.”

“Optimism? Optimism for what?”

“Hmm?” Sirius was already in the doorway, poking his head back in. “C’mon, the others are waiting out here.”

Shaking his head, Remus slung his bag over his shoulder, resolving to put the strange phrase out of his head and focus more on his classwork. 


	6. Revelations & Amortentia (or, Love and Other Potions)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! Rereading my work on this fic, I've realized two very important things: 1) these chapters are super short, and 2) I've included absolutely no plot. Oops. Sorry. I'll try to work on that. Anyways, happy new year to all (eight) of my lovely subscribers for this fic, and here's hoping 2016 sees a couple more. I'll leave you to our boys now. <3

"Rem. Rem. _Remus Lupin get up right now orsohelpme."_

"Wassat?"

He blinked, shoving the warm mass of Sirius' pajama-clad body off his bed and immediately regretting it. The dormitory was _cold._

"We overslept."

"Hmm?"

"Bloody hell! Show some panic! It's nine oh five. Potions started already!"

"Oh - shit! Why didn't they -"

"They're off at Herbology, the sneezewort saplings need water at dawn at this stage in the - forget it. We need to go, _now._ "

"Right, then."

He finished shoving his shirt over his head and grabbed his satchel, and they raced out of the common rooms together, sprinting down the corridor.

His heart was pounding as they rounded a corner, wheezing, laughing as loud as their breathless lungs let them. He pumped his arm harder. They were racing now, wheeling their arms, skidding and slipping on the freshly polished floors, falling over and just barely picking themselves up again. It was this, this moment, these little stolen seconds that made Remus delirious, made him wonder how he hadn't realized sooner how absolutely incredibly in love he was. Remus shoved Sirius over as they neared the stairs, and the other boy grabbed his arm with a shout. Suddenly, they were holding hands, jumping over the trick stairs and flying through the air, running faster than ever before, not racing, but something else. It felt easier to breathe than ever before, and Remus couldn't hear anything over their mingled breathing.

His head was swimming as they neared the basement, and too soon, they found themselves at the door of the Potions classroom. Remus braced to let go of his hand and laugh it off, but Sirius acted first, squeezing his palm before letting go and squaring his shoulders. He glanced back at him.

"Ready to kiss up to Slughorn, Moony?"

"Huh?"

"Because ...? We're like," he paused, glancing at his watch, "Twelve minutes late now? And you're his favourite. He'll be more lenient with you."

"So that means I have to go first?"

"Yep."

Remus sighed, but the wink Sirius offered convinced him to open the door.

"Sorry, Professor," he began, "We overslept and-"

"Ah, Mr. Lupin! Perfect! Thank you for volunteering."

The class giggled a little. Remus swallowed. Being a volunteer in Potions was never a good thing, whether that meant passing out the pickled frogs' tongues or offering your potion as the demonstration for the end-of-class assessment. Slughorn ushered him to the front of the class, and Remus glanced at the bubbling potion put on display. The shiny surface did not reassure him. In the past, the prettiest potions had often been the most dangerous. Steam floated out of the top of the substance, curling around the resting spoon and then spiraling to the ceiling. He leaned away ever so slightly from the cauldron.

"Now, Mr, Lupin," Slughorn smiled at him, rubbing his hands together, "Would you please describe for the class what smells you detect from this brew?"

Reluctantly, he turned back to the potion, sniffing in just barely. The scent was undeniable.

"Er..." He shuffled his weight, rubbing his neck a bit. "I guess - um - grass? Yeah, grass."

"Hm, yes! Freshly mowed?" Slughorn was nodding, chortling a bit.

"Um - no. Just, uh, grass. The grass in the back grounds, sort of near the, er, Whomping Willow, I suppose. And parchment. And, I think, aftershave?"

"Excuse me?" The professor's eyes seemed to harden, and he turned sharply back to Remus. "Are you quite sure about that last one?"

He was. He could even say whose aftershave it was, but at this point he'd realized that the potion he was being exposed to was Amortentia, and he was too busy counting his lucky stars that he hadn't said outright that the overwhelming scent coming from the mixture was Sirius' fancy French deodorant to come up with anything but a tiny nod.

Slughorn pushed Remus back to his usual seat, scurrying to the potion and putting the lecture notes on the blackboard. He shook his head and turned back to the class, abruptly ending the demonstation.

"Thank you, Mr. Lupin," he said quickly, beginning the lesson.

"Weird," Sirius whispered, as Slughorn revealed the potion.

"Yeah, whatever," Remus answered, making himself busy pulling out his notes, and hiding his blush.


	7. Ready or Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor Remus. Like he needed more stress. Sorry babe. Sorry readers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/Chapter Spoiler: homophobia (from a figure of authority) ahead. Be warned.

"Remus, would you mind staying after class?"

Slughorn was looming over his table, sniffing his potion. The batch of Amortentia Remus had made was passable at best. He'd been so embarrassed after what had happened earlier, his sweaty palms made precise cutting impossible. He'd poured way too much of the lavender into the cauldron, and had most definitely stirred a few times too many. But the professor didn't even look at him, his bulbous nose pointed directly into the mixture; his back was bent stiffly and his hands were tightly clasped behind him. 

"Yes, of course, professor."

"Good man." He coughed, and trotted down the line without looking up at Remus once.

Sirius glanced at him. Remus shrugged, turning determinedly back to his cauldron. He focused on bottling a sample to turn in. Class was dismissed.

Sirius bumped his shoulder after he put away his stuff.

"Want us to wait?"

"Nah."

"Do you know what Sluggy wants?"

"Not really, but ..."

"It's you. I'm not worried. He's probably inviting you to Slug Club or something." Sirius grinned. "That would be great! I'm so bored there, Rem. Even Evans screwing around with the purebloods can't make it any more interesting."

"You're probably right, Padfoot."

"See you in a bit, Moony."

Remus smiled weakly. He did not look back at his friends once, even as they lingered while the rest of the class cleared out. He dismissed them with a wave, and they left, Sirius hesitating by the door a final time before leaving as well.

Slughorn took his time, shuffling his papers on his desk at the front. He coughed into his fist dryly. Finally he adjusted his neck-tie, and looked at Remus.

“Now, you may be wondering why I asked you to talk with me.”

“A bit,” Remus smiled hesitantly.

“You’re a teenage boy. A young man, almost an adult now. You may be a bit confused, it’s perfectly normal, at your age...” Slughorn trailed off, staring at a spot over Remus’ left shoulder. He undid his neck-tie. “How old are you, boy?”

“I’m - fifteen, sir.”

“Yes.” The professor wrung his neck-tie absentmindedly. “I just want you to know - the nonsense you pulled earlier, that will not be tolerated in my class again. You’re still a boy, but that is no excuse.”

“Sir?” Remus felt something rise in his stomach. 

“‘Aftershave.’ Aftershave! I have never -” He muttered this loudly under his breath. Remus shifted his weight, slinging his bag onto his other shoulder.

“Professor - I -”

“- in all my years - I will not stand here. No.”

“Pardon, but I just don’t quite -”

Slughorn turned to him, finally looking him in the eye. “I will not have any silly business with - incorrect notions in my class. I will not allow it. You children must learn that that behavior is not acceptable.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand, Professor.”

“You seem to think - Perhaps you are mistaken that -” He sighed. “You think you’re - interested in - boys.” 

A bucket of ice water seemed to drop onto Remus’ head. He began to sweat, and his clothes felt sticky and itchy.

He continued. "Don't think I enjoy this. It's a shame, really, quite a shame. Even with your - ahem - background, you have surpassed every expectation, academic and disciplinary. But this is unacceptable. And I won't let that happen to you. Perhaps there is hope for you yet. But I don’t permit that kind of riff raff, tampering with other students, distracting them from their studies and the pursuit of a normal life. Do not come back to my class until you fix your problem. No abnormal students are welcome. Good day, Mr. Lupin. Please leave.” 

There was a strange taste in his mouth. Bitter, maybe, or sour. Remus turned and ran out the door, his heart pounding. He didn't look back.


	8. Open and Closed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily supports Remus during a difficult time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello to my three new subscribers! And hello again to my old ones! I don't know about you but that's pretty exciting to me, the fact that I can say that. Thanks for sticking around, and commenting, and liking (in all aspects) this work. It means more that I have time to say. Let's be real though, you're probably skimming this, if you even read it at all. I wouldn't. I'd wanna get right to the good stuff. Which in all honesty is not anything in this fic probably. This is just a lot of fluff and angsty feels. But I'll stop rambling on now and let you figure that out for yourself.  
> Thanks for reading. <3

It was ten o'clock, and the lanterns dotting the walls had dimmed to a soft orange glow. The portraits had begun to tuck in, closing books and shutting curtains, and the stairs had stopped moving half an hour ago. Remus trailed his fingers along the walls, wandering the third floor, thinking about nothing. 

His eyes were dry; the fist around his heart had loosened; his ears had long since stopped ringing. He had noticed a few hours ago that he’d started biting his nails again, something he hadn’t done since before he’d come to Hogwarts. His mouth tasted a bit like blood, but he didn’t mind. 

“Remus?”

He turned to see Lily standing at the end of the corridor with her wand lit up. 

“That is you!” She jogged towards him, and he could see her smile. “I thought you were some fourth year I’d have to give detention to for being out after curfew.”

“Really? Do I look like a fourth-year to you?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know, Rem, you do still have a bit of baby fat…” She pinched his cheeks, chuckling. Remus grinned down at her.

“Where have you been? I’ve been doing rounds by myself.” Lily tutted. “That is not the behaviour of a model student. Maybe I should report you to McGonagall for abuse of power, galavanting round after hours without ever patrolling with your fellow Head.” 

“Oh yeah?” Remus glared at her mockingly. “Maybe I could report you for all of the pranks you set out of bounds,  _ during _ our patrols.” 

She gasped, dramatically grasping her forehead. “You wouldn’t dare!” She pretended to faint, clutching at her chest, before slowly collapsing.

“Try me, Evans.” Remus toed her leg for emphasis.

“Really?”

“Really!” 

One of her eyes peeped open. “Then I’ll be forced to -  _ bring you down with me! _ ” She shot up, grabbing him by the waist and pulling him to the floor as well. He fell on his back, and felt his breath leave him. 

He huffed on the floor, unable to breath, and stared at the ceiling as he collected himself. He could hear Lily talking to him, but even if he could understand what she was saying, he couldn’t have answered.

“Rem? Are you dead?” Lily was shaking his shoulder. He sat up, and dragged a hand across his face. “Not dead, then.”

“Nope. Nearly.”

“Oi, I barely touched you.”

“Evans, you ... threw me … to the ground.”

“No, you were almost off-balance already. I gently guided to you the ground.” 

Remus started wheezing, and Lily’s face tightened. 

“Mate, are you actually ok?” He kept wheezing, unable to answer. Lily wrapped an arm around his shoulders, dragging him up. “Right, we need to take you to the hospital wing -”

“No, no, Lil, it’s fine … I’m just …” 

He bent over, putting his hands on his knees as he laughed. Once he relaxed and raised himself back up, he grinned weakly at Lily through misty eyes. The moment he looked at her they both started giggling again. 

“You thought you - hurt me? You’re like … A meter tall!”

“Well, I’m funny enough to … kill a man … ” she answered, gasping. 

They stayed like that for a while, in between two fading lights, filling the night and the quiet with the sound of their vibrancy. The dark seemed less empty as they calmed down, and the sliver of silver light pooled in through the windows.

“Merlin. I needed this,” Remus confessed, wiping his eyes. 

Lily smiled slightly. “It seemed like it. Wanna talk?”

He paused for a bit, and looked away. He hadn’t realized how obvious it was that he was upset. “Not really. Thanks, Lil.”

“No problem.” He looked back at her. “Now,  _ come on.  _ Help me finish rounds, because I am tired as hell and I still have an essay to finish for Ancient Runes.” She started trotting down the corridor, and Remus followed her, listening to her talk about the different ways she wanted to kill her professor with a lightness in his chest that hadn’t been there for a long time.


	9. Eleventy Fouty-Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two and a half Marauders have a late night chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing in this chapter.
> 
> OMG hello again! Wow so the reaction to my latest chapters has been so awesome that I've decided to post another one super soon! And sort of neglect my other works (sorry TBB, you're still my bb). Hello to this work's newest follower, and welcome back to the other 11 of you! I hope you like this chapter. I actually really enoyed working on it, because I wasn't planning for it to be so long. I really like how it turned out too. 
> 
> Whether you do or don't, please comment, because I appreciate both criticism and compliments. Thank you all. <3

'Will whoever that is _please_ stop shuffling around?"

"Oi, mate, if you're still awake, it sure as hell isn't because I'm making a tiny amount of noise."

"Well, it isn't exactly helping me fall asleep either."

"Do you think I give a damn about your beauty sleep, Sirius?"

"I'm not asking _you_ to care. I just know that there are certain people who most definitely do. So, stop being a tit, and shut up."

"You shut up."

" _Both of you shut up. Some people'r tryin' t'sleep."_

"Sorry, Peter."

"Yeah, sorry, Pete."

 

Peter rolled over once, snored, and was promptly asleep again. Leaving Remus alone in the dark with Sirius, and their unfinished conversation.

 

"Just so you know, this conversation is over."

"Oh, _thanks,_ Moony, glad you cleared that one up. I was confused there for a second."

"You know what, just - why don't you - argh. Shut up!"

"No, you shut up!"

" _OI. SHUT UP. REMUS. SIRIUS. SHUT. THE HELL. UP."_

"Sorry, mate, I thought you were asleep -"

"I _was_ , _twice_ now, but _now_ I'm _not_. Maybe you can tell. And maybe you can also tell that I am not happy about it. Now, maybe I don't need Padfoot's beauty sleep, being the natural beauty I am, but I would appreciate the chance to find out for myself, thanks. _Good night._ "

 

He snored once again, and was silent.

The two left awake pondered Peter's capacity to go from zombie to angry monologue-deliveryman silently for a moment. Which unfortunately led to Sirius snorting.

 

"Oh my god, Padfoot, you sound just like -"

"D-don't say it, or I won't be able to -"

"How does he make a noise like that anyways, it sounds _violent_ -"

"No, sh-shut it, Rem, I'm serious -"

"That you are, Sirius, that you are -"

"If the pair of you don't close your gobs _right now_ , I swear on Merlin's _dusty grey taint_ , I will personally guarantee you will _never open them again_."

 

This time, Remus had no retort. He didn't hear anything coming from Sirius' bed either. Peter seemed to roll over and sigh in a satisfied sort of way, and snored once again for good measure. Remus decided, for the fourth time that night, to close his eyes, let his mind go blank, and attempt to force himself to sleep.

An attempt that was rapidly abbreviated by the sudden arrival of a stocky and warm something - no, some _one_ \- on his bed. It was Sirius, who seemed twitchy with his normal state of energy overabundance.

"I can't sleep, Rem."

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious there, Sirius."

"D'you think James is ok? What if he's with Evans?"

He sighed. Of course. Sirius was thinking about James, who was thinking about Evans. Leaving Remus with the huge crowd of students pining over Sirius. He felt the familiar flash of envy that popped up every time the word 'James' popped out of Sirius' mouth. "Sirius. C'mon."

"You're right. Like Evans would spend this much time with him."

Sirius laid down next to Remus, serenely shoving him to the extreme right side of the twin size mattress.

 

"You comfortable there?"

"Yeah, I am, thanks."

"Don't wanna maybe, I dunno, sleep in your own bed? The one reserved for you? Designed to hold one person only?"

"Nah. I'm good."

 

Remus breathed in, trying his best to calm the rapid flutter in his chest. It was really going to be a long night.


	10. Thoughts in the Dark (Part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My poor baby. :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez, guys. I'm so sorry it took me so long to add another chapter. I just knew coming in that this was going to be a big one, and a hard one, so I put it off. I don't know how I feel about the end result, but it seems pretty ok. More to come soon. I really hope you like it.

3:14 am. 

Remus’ arm was numb. Sirius had plopped his shaggy mess of hair right on top of his left shoulder two hours ago, and the last remnants of tingling had long since dissipated. There just a floppy dead arm lodged under Sirius’ neck.

Remus decided to try to go back to sleep, ignoring the increasingly heavy mass taking up three-quarters of his bed.

 

3:15 am.

_ How had only one minute passed? _

 

3:16 am. 

Ok. Ok. Ok. 

 

3:17 am.

Ok. 

 

3:18 am.

3:19 am.

Remus’ mind had drifted to an essay he needed to finish for Astrology when he was suddenly dragged back to the present situation by Sirius sighing quietly, turning his face, and nosing into the crook of his shoulder. 

Shit.  _ Shitshitshit. _

He froze. His violently hammering heart seemed impossible to ignore in the dark quiet of the dorm; and yet, there Sirius was, still just as asleep as before. 

Remus stared at him a moment longer. A month ago, he had found himself in this very situation in the Whomping Willow, and nothing had changed. Would it ever? He didn’t want to think about it. He knew that if nothing changed, one day he’d lose Sirius forever, and probably the other boys too. 

Sirius hated when one of the girls who fancied him kept on it once he grew bored of her. Remus thought back to the year previous, after the Yule Ball: some infatuated Hufflepuff fourth-year thought he’d be interested in her because they’d danced together the night before. She’d asked him to Honeydukes, and the Marauders had come along to watch. Sirius didn’t even bother to spare her feelings, pointedly turning his face away when she leaned in to kiss him. She stormed out, red-faced and sniffly, and Sirius didn’t say a word. He’d turned to them before the door had closed, asking if they wanted to go to the Three Broomsticks.

They’d made fun of her for five weeks, before the next girl showed up.

 

3:20 am.

What did it matter? Sirius had never shown anything more than a passing interest in any girl, ever. He’d never left his friends to spend time with anyone. 

Remus clung to that. He’d treasured his friends’ presence like the gift it was, because it was so wonderful and unexpected. He was so grateful, so,  _ so  _ grateful. Why did he need to ask for more?

 

3:21 am.

Ok. 

 

3:22 am.

Yeah, ok. It was already beyond his wildest hopes to find friends at this school, let alone that someone like Sirius would be interested in someone - something like him. 

_ Him.  _

What did it matter? At the end of all of this madness, Remus was a werewolf, and a  _ boy _ . Slughorn already hated him, and it was for something even less abnormal than his lycanthropy. Why would Sirius feel any differently? What - what if Remus told him, and he lost him forever? It was too much to risk. His feelings were so unimportant, compared to what he had to lose. He should just be grateful he had anything at all to lose.


	11. Hungover on Him (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~drama~ with Remus, Sirius, and James

"Alright, there?"

James was standing over Remus' bed, the drapes yanked back. He was laughing, and at them, but he wasn't smiling, and his mouth was near closed. He was looking down on Sirius curled around Remus.

"James!" Sirius scrambled clumsily out of Remus' bed.

Remus noticed his lack of gracefulness. Sirius was always cool in a way no one else could achieve, always calm and relaxed - except when it came to James. When James was around, Sirius was still the coolest person around, but he tripped, like just then. He let his guard down, and was too eager for his attention. He was desperate for James' approval, and it grated Remus in a way that nothing else could.

"Were you enjoying yourselves?" There was something flashing in James' eyes.

"Er - well, yeah, sure." This wasn't so strange for them. They'd nap together on full moons, and once you'd seen someone get naked and transform into an animal enough times, there weren't really any boundaries left. Cuddling was nothing to them - usually. James was directing his gaze at Remus now, and he could see that something unidentifiable flashing there again.

Sirius spoke again, breaking the look between Remus and James. "Where've you been?"

James looked at him now. "With Evans."

"Oh. Nice!" Sirius attempted a smile.

"Yeah. Whatever. It wasn't like that." He turned away from them, yanking off his shirt. "It won't ever be like that," he said, to himself.

Sirius and Remus shared a look. This was bad, but not too bad. At least he was talking to them. At least he was talking at all. When things went especially poorly with Lily, James would become reserved and cut himself off from the other boys.

James sat on the edge of his bed. "Did I miss anything?"

"What'd'you mean?" Sirius leaned on James' bed post. Remus noticed the genuine smile growing on his face again.

James looked at him for a moment. "Nevermind. I'm going to brush my teeth." He pulled on his pyjama shirt and got up again, leaving the dormitory and closing the door with a slam.

Sirius looked at Remus again. "That was alright, I guess."

"Yeah." Remus suddenly felt the numb sensations in his arm rush back. He massaged his shoulder.

"Oh." Sirius' cheek twitched a bit, and he rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry about that before. That was weird."

"Don't worry about it." _It was? It felt weird to him too? What did that mean?_

Sirius looked down at the floor. "I think I was just worried about James, is all."

"Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah, I figured."

There was a silence. Remus felt a growing ball of anger in the pit of his stomach. It always came back to James. Even now, 5 am, and he bursts their odd little moment with his moodiness and his mysteriousness and his own problems. Remus loved James like a brother, he really did, but this awful feeling that the awful feeling of the other kind of love for his other best friend was already complicated enough without dealing with judgement in future, and piling one of his other best friends acting weird on top of it was -

"Mate, there's something I think I - "

James came back in, slamming his toothbrush on the nightstand. The two jumped, and looked back at him. Sirius abruplty closed his mouth, leaving Remus dying to know what he'd wanted to say.

"What?" James stared at them.

"Nothing! Nothing."

"Night, then." He scowled a bit. He pulled the drapes around his own bed.

Sirius glanced at the closed curtains for a beat, then slowly sat down on his own bed, pulling the drapes without another word.

And with that, Remus was alone again. He lay down, thinking about how much easier it would be to sleep with arms that had full blood circulation, and how much he didn't like it.


	12. Alarming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised no one will be homophobic unless I give proper warning. That being said, no warning needed for this chapter. I'm really happy to see the new subscribers (all 20ish of you), and I'm super extra happy to see the old ones come back for more. I hope that means I'm doing something right. Enjoy, y'all. <3

It was, unfortunately, morning. His alarm clock was ringing obnoxiously. He considered his memories of the night, gazing at the ceiling, hoping it had all been an elaborate dream. Or not. Maybe the whole Sirius thing had really happened, but the angry James bit afterwards was just a nightmare. _What a mess_ , he thought to himself. He wondered how all of this drama had seeped into their lives. He longed for the year previous, when the worst thing on their minds was a distant and only slightly possible war, and Remus' concerns about the world he'd find outside Hogwarts' doors.

"Oi! Can you turn off that bloody alarm, Moony?"

"Sorry, Prongs."

James mumbled a reply, rustled his sheets, and went back to sleep.

It was Saturday morning. Remus always kept an alarm of late, even on weekends, so he could get down to the baths early and have a bit of peace. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, turning over the tone of James' voice in his mind. Maybe that odd behavior last night was really just a bit of post-Lily nonsense that had nothing to do with him, but he didn't want to get his hopes up.

Remus grabbed his toothbrush and towel, creeping out of the dormitory and quietly closing the door behind him.

So. He was alone with his thoughts again. That had been happening all too often recently. He was too familiar with the ache in his chest that came from wanting, so desperately, not too feel this way. He felt the usual train of thought drag its usual path through his head, and he resigned himself to it as he trudged down the stairs to the Prefect bathrooms.

 

 

It had been so simple before he'd started school. Everyone was afraid of him, and he'd lived in a lonely but comfortable bubble, reading the books his parents brought home from the university. He didn't really know them much. They had been part of the resistance to the Blood Purity movement, but after Greyback had attacked him, they'd gone into hiding from the magical world. They lived in a little cottage outside Surrey, not very imposing but charmed with every defensive spell known to wizard. They both became muggle professors. It was a quiet life, but they loved him, and he them. Only they were afraid of him now.

Remus always wondered - was it possible they'd tried so hard to cure his lycanthropy because they were afraid? Of course they were. They were worried for his future. No one would ever hire him now. They wanted the best for their only child.

They were trying for a second around the time the attack had happened, but they stopped. They didn't want to bring another child into such a dangerous world. His mother had said that to him, when he'd asked, but she didn't say anything else afterwards. He didn't ask again.

When he'd received that letter, four years ago, his parents were reluctant to send him. They didn't want him to get bullied, and they thought he was deluding himself if he thought that he wouldn't be. He agreed, but he'd said that he'd be truly doomed without any education. Maybe he could work as a shopkeeper or something, with a degree from Hogwarts. They'd relented.

When he found out he was good at magic, and even better academically, his heart sunk. The little glimmer of hope those glowing report from his teachers gave him was all too painful. He never showed his parents, and they didn't ask.

Ever since the attack, his parents had walked around on tip toe around him. They walked a line between being afraid of him, of the monster that they all knew slept inside him, and blaming themselves for it being there.

Now, of course, it didn't matter. They had died in his third year. He'd found out via a little article in the _Daily Prophet_. The main story was something about the most recent Weird Sisters concert, but on the side of the front page, a smaller headline read 'Husband and wife found dead in Surrey cottage,' with a little picture of his childhood home next to it, right there on the front page of the paper. Since they hadn't been really involved on either side of the movement any more, he figured they hadn't warranted a bigger article.

He didn't know how to react. He didn't tell the others, and he was the only one who read the _Prophet._ It was James' subscription, insisted upon by his parents, but by the time that article was published, James had given up all pretense of caring and the owl knew to fly to Remus instead. The others had never met his parents or visited on holidays, as James was usually the one hosting and Remus' parents didn't know he had friends to put in harm's way anyways. They had never forbidden him from hanging round other kids, but he could have anticipated their response. 

No one else ever asked him about the article. He was on edge until the next day, wondering when someone would try to offer condolences, but no one did. he Weird Sisters article was a hit, and that was all anyone who got the paper read. The next day, the next issue was delivered, and that was the end of that.

Except it wasn't. At the end of the week, he'd received an envelope from a sixth-year containing a letter from Dumbledore and a lemon drop, and at the end of the day he'd followed the instructions provided and went to his office. Dumbledore was sitting, not in the chair behind his desk, but on one of the two squishy armchairs that looked like they had been nicked from the Gryffindor dormitory. There were streaks of grey in his long hair. When Remus entered the room hesitantly, Dumbledore shot up and motioned at the other chair, shoving a bowl of hard candy into his hands and siting down himself.

It was one of very few conversations Remus had had with the Transfiguration professor, and the first time he heard aloud the fact that his parents were dead. Dumbledore's eyes had softened to a watery blue, and Remus felt everything he hadn't allowed himself to feel bubble up. He was crying, he was sobbing, he was angry, relieved, confused. Dumbledore was silent after that, and they both contemplated the fire for a while after. Remus woke up the next day, still in that squishy armchair, but somehow, he didn't feel stiff at all after sleeping there all night. Dumbledore smiled at him as he stood, and ushered him out with a handful of lemon drops and not a word about what had happened. Remus was so grateful to him, almost as much as he had been when Dumbledore had found out about the situation and had convinced Dippet to keep him at school.

 

 

So now, two years later, everything was sort of okay. The scars his parents had left were faded, and the scars he had from his parents dying didn't hurt anymore. So he had time to devote to ridiculous, unfair, bizarre - _feelings_.

Remus had never had the energy to fancy anyone, let alone properly like them. You'd need to get to know a person in order to do that, and he'd never had proper friend before. He'd been attracted to girls, sure, so what the bloody hell was this? Was he just hopping on the bandwagon of fancying Sirius Black? Why on earth was he looking at a _bloke_ like this?

"Oh, hey, Rem."

He started. Lily Evans was there, at the door to the baths as well. They looked at each other for a second, before Lily pulled her hand back from the handle. 

"Look, Rem, we're mates and all, but you don't seem like the type who'd want to share a bath. I'll come back later...?"

Remus stared at her for a second. He then realized Lily had said something, and tried to remember how to operate his mouth.

"Uh - erm - um - right! I mean - wait - no - no, no, nonono - no, you take it, I'll - I'll come back. Right?"

"Nah, it's fine, don't worry -"

"Wait, but don't birds take longer to bathe?"

She glared at him.

Remus backtracked. "Not that - I mean - nevermind." His voice tapered off, and they were both standing awkwardly in front of the door.

Lily pulled out her wand.

"Evans, wait, I didn't - "

She reached around him, muttered a spell, and turned back to him, smiling sweetly.

"What ... what did you do, Evans ..."

A red polka dot bathing suit hit the back of his head and fell the floor with an _ooph_. She picked it up, slung it over her shoulder, said "Sherbert!" brightly, and trotted into the bathroom, closing the door behind her without a backward glance.

Sighing, Remus summoned his own swimming trunks, opening the door to the bathroom once again. He prayed to every god he knew that James would never find out that he took a bath with a bathing-suit clad Lily Evans, knowing that James would never forgive him, no matter if he knew how reluctant they both were, how awkward it was, and how neither of them thought of the other as anything friends.

"Right, Evans?"

He stood on the side of the pool, watching Lily drag a comb through her matted red hair.

"Oh, shove it," she gritted through her teeth. "Just because I don't mind having a swim when you're around doesn't mean you're not gross."

"The same to you."

"Thanks, hon." She finally pulled the comb through with a shriek that was part pain and part victory. "Plus, I know that you don't see me like that. That's the only reason I'm ok with you seeing this."

"What, the awe-inspiring beauty of watching Lily Evans shave her legs?"

She waved the razor at him threateningly. "If you don't shut up, I'll shave yours."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm available at:  
> queenofthedorkside.tumblr.com and queenofthedorkside@gmail.com
> 
> I also might be looking for a beta, so contact me on one of those or here if you're interested. Thanks so much for the incredible support I've found here.


	13. In the Prefects' Bathroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily inadvertently helps Remus find a moment of peace, right when he needs it most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally am updating this fic again! I'm sorry I've been gone, but school is hectic. That's over now, though! So hopefully, more fic updates, more often. Lots of love to all 27 of my subscribers to this fic, it really means a lot that there are real people who really care about the story I'm telling. I do, too. <3

Sunlight crept across the stained glass windows of the prefect bathrooms, bathing Remus’ face in a hint of warmth. He and Lily had been swimming lazily in the pool for what seemed like hours, the water cooling to room temperature. He was floating absentmindedly and facing the ceiling, languishing in the sense of peace he felt as his mind, for once, stopped turning over the million things he needed to worry about. He blinked, rubbed his face, and slowly kicked his way to the side of the pool to check his watch.

He shook it once, and checked it again.

“Lily, grab your kit.”

“Huh?” She splashed upright. “Did you say s’thing?”

“It’s seven forty-five.”

They gazed at each other for a beat.

“Shit.”

They scrambled out of the pool, trying desperately to get out of the water. As they collapsed on the wet tiles next to the basin, Reus glanced at his watch again, watching the second hand tick away and the minute hand eat up the moments they had just wasted.

“How did we spend an hour and a half in the bath?”

“Don’t know – we don’t have time – just - accio my-and-Remus’ robes!”

Lily threw open the door, and they stared at it, the moment turning into an eternity.

“Lily. It’s not working. We need to just get to class.”

“What an astute observation, Remus! I hadn’t realized!”

“Could you just cast the charm again? I don’t think –”

“Well, I think the charm was absolutely fine, and I don’t know what you’re implying but –”

“Lily, we have less than ten minutes to get to Transfiguration, or our arses are going to get detention! Bloody double detention for the Gryffindor prefects, because they missed class with the Gryffindor house head!”

“Oi! Lovebirds! The window!”

Lily and Remus spun around. Peeves was floating upside-down a meter or so off the floor, gesturing at the window. A closed window with two sets of robes banging against it rapidly.

Lily trudged over to open it. Peeves pearly grey eyes widened, and he pointed between the two of them with an evil smirk.

“No – we’re not –” Remus began.

“Well, well, well. Old Peevsie didn’t realize that there was a little lurve triangle happening between Masters Potter and Prefect-Loony-Lupin. And taking a bath together, now, what will the headmaster say …”

“Shove off, Peeves, before I curse you into the next dimension,” Lily said, throwing down their robes and whipping out her wand. She stalked forward towards Peeves, who inched backwards into the wall. “Swear you won’t tell the headmaster, or else I’ll –”

“Fine! Fine! Peeves crosses his heart!” And he did, promptly squeezing through the wall and zoomed away to the Astronomy Tower.

Lily turned back to Remus, crossing her arms and huffing. “I don’t trust him. He gave in too easily.” And she shot a little spell off in his direction.

“What – what?”

“Turn around.”

“What?!”

“Just do it, so I can change!” She threw his robes at him.

He spun around, yanking off his swimming trunks and shoving on his clothes as fast as he could.

“It’s a little promise charm,” Lily shot over her shoulder. “If you say the keywords – promise, swear, cross your heart – the spell keeps you honest.”

“Evans …” Remus looked at her. Lily grinned, squeezing her hair out. “You’re a genius. How’d you come up with that?”

She shook out her hair, and started tying it up. “Modeled it after the Unbreakable Vow stuff. Since there’s less ceremony involved, and has more varieties of keywords, it’s much weaker, which is what I was looking for when I made it. It seems crazy the entire Wizarding World only has one promise-keeping spell.”

“Can you teach it to me?”

She laughed. “I wouldn’t learn it yet. I’m still working out the kinks. It’s good Peeves was here, so I could test it on a non-living person. If it had been a living person, they may have some funny heart stuff happening for the next couple days.” Remus blinked at her. “But don’t worry! He’ll definitely not tell the headmaster. Or any teachers, really.” She giggled. “It’s still pretty strong. And very volatile.”

“Right.” They looked at each other, and dashed out of the bathroom to Transfiguration.


End file.
